i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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