every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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