Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
