My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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