i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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