he wants to bone in the snuggie
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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