i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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