I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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