I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
