Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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