I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
