She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
