I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize