we're chasing vodka with high fives
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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