the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
