You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
