Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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