dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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