i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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