I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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