i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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