I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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