That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
