I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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