Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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