I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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