I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
