Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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