It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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