Say something about gay babies.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize