I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
