i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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