I wish I could teleport
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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