so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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