My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
