I just made out with a guy for $7.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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