i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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