Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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