Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
