Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
