Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
someone owes me an orgasm
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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