please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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