We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
