I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
