i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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