I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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