i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
