My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
