you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
