Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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