I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
