woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
