I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize