My sheets look like a crime scene.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
