So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
