I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
