just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
