Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
