Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
