Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
