Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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