Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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