if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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