I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize